My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
