i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
