I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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