i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
