When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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