Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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