We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
a search helicopter?!
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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