Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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