i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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