On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
