I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
