I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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