Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Sorry my hands just texted you
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
