so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We left an ass print on the piano.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
