zippers are such a cool invention
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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