Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
