It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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