I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
