so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
