he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I am one with the molecules
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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