I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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