A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
