I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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