i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
