Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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