I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
