the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
This house was built for laser tag.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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