Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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