Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
