was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
