woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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