I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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