I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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