Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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