Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
So much rum. So many feels.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
