maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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