Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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