Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
