Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
