Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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