Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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