I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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