So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
