my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I did not marry a roomba.
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