Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
