You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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