Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
