my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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