I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
