We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
