Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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