so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
