Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
